My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize