I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My bed smells like the plague
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