Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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