I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
