So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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