Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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