dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
