you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
