I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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