Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Found your dick twin last night
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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