i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
