oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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