I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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