woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
