If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
