I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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