Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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