is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
