We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
