Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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