You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
