Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
