I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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