omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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