Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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