Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
