More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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