I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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