forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i think my mom watched the whole time
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
