Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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