Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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