need another drink. this is the easiest way
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
