whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
