I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
