also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
