Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
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