I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
