She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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