how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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