I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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