Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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