You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
