Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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