New low: just hacked my moms facebook
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
