I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Apparently you make a good broom.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
