I'm really into asian looking animals
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
