if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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