Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
