There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
