she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
