Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Randomize
