I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
