Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
