First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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