No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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