WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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