I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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