I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
